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i feel the same way you do. I have never wanted anything crazy or even "normal". it took a lot to do it, but i finally, we finally decided that we were going to be happy. it was our day and we just wanted to make it official and share it with the most important people in our life. as long as you both stick together and back each other up, it will work out. be strong and stick to your guns. good luck and keep us posted.


Wow. I bet it felt good to get some of that out. You guys will be okay, and you are still the same people--it just sounds ultra stressful right now.

Follow your hearts! And I'm sure you could spend $50K in a better way, like some awesome trips, lots of yarn and fabric ;) Good luck either way.

caroline - jayne panico

I got married last summer and it was AN EFFING NIGHTMARE! In the end I weasnt strong enough to say sod it were doing this with 5 memebers of the family and a nice meal after...we ended up spending a fortune and I spent the whole day thinking 'I want to go home and be with my husbabnd, I want to just chat with my friends...' My husband and I were so exhausted when we left for our honeymoon we did almost nothing in Edinburgh where we went, and we spent too much time bickering!

Please please be strong, dont get blackmailed into doing stuff, do exactly what you two want and tell people to stop asking inane questions about the wedding, it doesnt change that much in the space of a couple of days when they last asked, its none of their business, and cant they they seperate you as a person from the event anyhow? It really does make you question some of your closest alliances with people when they suddenly turn into bore of the century and ask the same bloody question every day...
Anyway, I am experiencing it all over again being pregnant, apparently this is the new topic of conversation...grrrrrrrrr thanks for the group bitch!
PS In the end I kept my own surname, because I was losing my identity, Im glad I did although I understand its not for all.

Good Luck xxxx


My hubbie and I got married on my dads gazebo in the backyard, ate under rented tents on paper plates, got pots of in season flowers (mums) super cheap and planted them later. Danced in the garage. Spent under $4,000 including everything and rings. Most guests said it was one of the nicest weddings they had been to. Do what you want and guests or no guests will deal. A long happy marraige is the goal anyway.


Oh, dear. I'm so sorry to hear what a nightmare the planning has become. I understand, too, where you're coming from. I was actually totally disinterested in wedding planning. I only really cared to have the whole thing official and could have done without the pomp and circumstance. In the end, though, I let my parents, who were the financers of it (I know, lucky me) decide what to do with it all, as I felt the event was really for them and our family and friends, since I didn't care much about the matter. I was just glad I was hitched to Barry.
Take a deep breath, stop and regroup with Otis, and you two will be able to figure out what is most important to you. And please, (unless this is what's most important to you) do not spend the equivalent of the down payment on a home for one day of good partying.
Best wishes, friend!


Your dress will be perfect, no matter the color. Your flowers will be perfect, no matter the type. Your food will be perfect, no matter what kind of plates we are eating them off of. Your band will play the perfect music that we will all dance our asses off to. And at the end of your perfect day, with all the perfect touches, my perfect friend will be the wife to her perfect husband. And that is just, well, perfect. i love you!


Wow, after reading this, I thought these were my thoughts about one year ago! Almost exactly! For the most part, I ended up sticking to my guns, but I did end up doing a couple things to please certain people. It is amazing how one day you have none of these "worries", you become engaged, and then bam! I wish you the best in your planning process.


I got married last September and I went through all of the same stuff. I think there are people who want the fairytale ballroom wedding, and people who want the simple backyard affair. The problem that I encountered was even the simple backyard affair is frighteningly expensive. I spent too much time reading Martha Stewart Weddings and getting "cute" ideas that when carried out turned out to be actually quite expensive and not so simple. We opted to have our wedding at the beach, because we love it there, and completely lucked out finding the perfect place that was quaint and cheap but not depressing. My family is not exactly open to a lot of unusual things, so I *constantly* went through the "what do you mean you're doing cupcakes instead of a cake?" "what do you mean you're going to do the music yourselves?" "what do you mean the guys won't be wearing tuxes?" After a while I just stopped talking about the wedding altogether.

On the other hand though, you are throwing a big party for a lot of diverse people who are making an effort to come and probably spending a decent amount of money on a gift. We felt like to be fair we needed to try to find a balance between doing things that we believed in and things that would satisfy the majority of our guests. We rented the china and linens, because I didn't want everyone scoffing at the idea of eating off paper plates, but the groom wore a khaki suit with no tie. We went with cupcakes instead of a cake, but I wore an actual wedding dress.

I think the biggest thing that I learned is that society has us trained to believe that your wedding day is the most magical day of your life and should be perfect in every way, and guess what? It might not be. Mine was the most stressful day of my entire life, and I often marvel at the fact that I didn't have a stroke. The end result turned out great, but even still, the day after, no one in my family even really talked about it. Sometimes you struggle to do what's right, and pull your hair out, and on the day of the wedding people will either be in the mood to party or they won't. I was so depressed afterward that it didn't go 100% the way I had envisioned it that I could barely even talk about it on the honeymoon. I just kept thinking, "That was it. That's what I looked forward to for so long, and now it's over, and I forgot to give the moms their corsages and I didn't put boxes on the tables so people could take extra cupcakes home and we didn't get a picture with his grandmother." But now it's seven months later, and I've finally realized that it doesn't matter. It was one day out of my whole life, we pretty much made all the money back from gifts, we had an amazing honeymoon and now we're happily married. It's okay that it wasn't a fairytale.

Now, did I make you feel better or worse?

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