I have to get something off my chest.
This whole wedding “thing.” Yeah. It’s not so much my game.
I was never the girl to secretly buy the bridal magazines, dream
about walking down the aisle, wonder about what would happen on my big
day. It just wasn’t on my radar.
Since the moment I said “yes” this ride that Otis and I have been on
has been a wild one. We thought we had it all figured out. We didn’t.
We were going to be bold, be different, march to our own drummer!
We were
I’ve been doing lots of thinking, analyzing, assessing of our plans, which have changed about a million trillion different times. Lately, I feel like I have ADD.
Too formal, too casual, too barren, too expensive, too impersonal, too scary, too far away, too inconvenient…. how will people react?
Not: what do WE want?
Why are we fighting about paper plates? We’ve never fought before…
The thing that freaks me out about the whole wedding thing is how I loose MY identity. I’m now a bride. Where did ME go?
How we lost our identity…MB, Otis. Us.
Instead of being a couple, we have turned into the “wedding planners”
Hey! How are you?! How is the wedding planning coming? Get everything all figured out? What colors, what invitations, what food, what music, what photographer
Don’t you have to wear white? Don’t you need a fancy dinner? Don’t you want stiff formal flowers? Don’t you need a big bowed cake? Don’t you need bridesmaids? Maid of honors? Best men?
Not really.
Are you loosing weight? Whitening your teeth? Going on a diet? Going on a honeymoon? Going to register? When when when how how how how. How much?
It’s okay to splurge just a little…. it’s YOUR day after all.
Is it really ok? Is it really necessary? what for?
But I feel like there is a huge machine working against me. Conform, it says. It’s easier this way. Don’t think too hard, don’t veer off track. Spend your money, do what you have “dreamed” of always doing. Fulfill the fantasy. Fulfill your duty.
The problem: I never had a fantasy about this whole event to begin with. Never.
My duty is to marry Otis in a way that I feel comfortable with. A $50,000 party won’t make me feel better about that decision. I already feel great about it.
But the planning continues…blue, yellow, beef, wine, cocktails, daisies, rock n roll, paper, cloth, boylans, terracotta. Garden, river, trolley, brick, tent, dress, flower, shoes…
I'm just trying to stay above water and stick to my guns. This river has a fast current.
update: Find out more about where and why the photo was taken on my flickr page: here.